Mmmhm. [And it really is, a gentle calming touch that cradles him and soothes the ever-present ache and anger. Ivan's senses are always at a straining point, catching at his control and railing like a wounded mob. Control is a fine line with him, one he is so very afraid of stepping over. But with Raivis -- it is so easy. Ivan's fingers often tremble, awed by the ability to stroke fingertips down bowed spine, by the curl of pale hair against callouses, by the delicate fingers tangling with his own.
This is more than he has ever expected to have after the past few years. If he's telling the truth, it is more than he expected to have long before that, too. But while Raivis might be from a family dotted with Guides, Ivan has the blood of Sentinels thick in his veins. Sometimes he thinks it funny that he was the only one of his siblings to come online, but mostly he is relieved. It is a thick, clinging feeling, one that seeps in his blood and pools in his belly like ice. He is frozen in his relief, desperate and furious at his own jealousy.
(But if his sisters are safe from the persecution he faced -- well, Ivan wouldn't trade with them at all. He would do anything for his sisters, even crucify himself with the burden of their own biology.)
For now, he rubs his nose against Raivis' own, his smile a delicate, fleeting thing.]
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This is more than he has ever expected to have after the past few years. If he's telling the truth, it is more than he expected to have long before that, too. But while Raivis might be from a family dotted with Guides, Ivan has the blood of Sentinels thick in his veins. Sometimes he thinks it funny that he was the only one of his siblings to come online, but mostly he is relieved. It is a thick, clinging feeling, one that seeps in his blood and pools in his belly like ice. He is frozen in his relief, desperate and furious at his own jealousy.
(But if his sisters are safe from the persecution he faced -- well, Ivan wouldn't trade with them at all. He would do anything for his sisters, even crucify himself with the burden of their own biology.)
For now, he rubs his nose against Raivis' own, his smile a delicate, fleeting thing.]
How do you feel? Do you need to stop?